Duck Dodgers: Seraphib?
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: COMPLETED: A Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a Half Century fic... Because I was bored. Anyway, Dodgers must track down an experimental GP starship while dealing with the universe's greatest threat: His own stupidity...
1. The Ship Strikes Back!

**TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib?**

**AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon**

**FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century**

**GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action**

**WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that?**

**RATING: PG to PG-13**

**NOTES: More than likely a one or two shot experiment I'll leave lying around for a year or two… Unless someone wants it?**

* * *

** SECTOR 359 - GALACTIC PROTECTORATE - 78.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

**GP FLEET CONSTRUCTION STATION - EXPERIMENTAL**

Maddox Station was a remote, nearly invisible speck of real estate in the Alpha Quadrant of the galaxy. It had only one berth, enclosed, with crewmembers and workers who rotated out every two years, and a re-supply vessel that only came once in six months.

A lonely, tiny, seemingly unimportant outpost.

"Meh… knight takes rook," said a young man in the station's only docked ship's lounge, moving his white chess piece neatly to intercept a black one. His opponent eyed the board carefully, before confidently moving her queen.

"Check."

"Drat… Hm… Ah ha!"

"Still check."

"Grrr… How about-?"

"Nope… Still check… And mate, I do believe," she said with a small grin, as her opponent sighed deeply.

"How many times have you beat me now?"

"Approximately one-hundred and thirty-two times to date."

"We've played _that_ many times?" The young man asked incredulously. The woman smiled, nodding.

"Indeed."

"(sigh) Well, I suppose this is good, then… Your higher processing functions have proved themselves over time…" The young man gave the woman a kind smile

"I think you're ready."

"Hm… You have told me, though, that many Protectorate captains are opposed to robotic assistance."

"In your case, Sara, I don't think the captains would mind an extra hand." The young man gestured around the stylish, clean and well-decorated interior. "After all, you're state of the art. You'll define Protectorate missions for the next _hundred _years, at least."

"That _is_ good, I suppose, Tobias," Sara conceded. The 'woman' then blinked, looking elsewhere. Tobias followed her gaze, but, seeing nothing, turned his attention back upon Sara.

"Sara? Something wrong?"

"… Have my external sensors been running a combat simulation?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then, I believe we're in trouble."

BOOM! The deck rattled as the station took a hit, alert klaxons blaring. Tobias was thrown from his chair, his head knocking into a table. Sara walked over to him calmly, and laid a hand upon him. She nodded her head, before closing her eyes, the klaxons becoming background noise to her…

Outside, a dark-green, red starship was firing upon the station, it's twin particle cannons ripping apart the outpost's hull. The attacking ship resembled a crab's carapace, four glowing missile tubes like eyes. Abruptly, a pair of missiles were launched, and impacted the primary reactor of the station.

A bright flash of light later, and the station was ripped in two, it's lights dying, bodies of unfortunate crewmen being sucked out into the abyss. The alien ship maneuvered over to the intact, enclosed berth-wider than the vessel, and twice as long. The ship carefully fired a pair of tractor cables, which clutched the back of the container easily. The alien ship slowly began to pull away from the station, dragging it's prize with it.

_Fwoosh!_ The doors of the bay burst open, spinning out into space. One of the doors bounced off the underside of the alien vessel's hull, and the ship seemed to pause.

That was the last stop the ship would ever make.

_BOOM!_ A massive bolt of directed fusion energy emerged from the berth, blowing the alien starship to dust in nanoseconds. It's debris was scattered the way it had come, as though the pieces of the ship were desperate to escape whatever was in that berth.

And out of the berth… Emerged a sleek, nearly-organic, vessel, that twisted out of it's nest, and set out across the stars…

* * *

**26.3 LTYR AWAY**

"C'mon, Dodgers, c'mon… YES! Two points!" The captain of the Protectorate starship _Drake_ cheered, as yet another crumpled piece of paper landed in the wastebasket. Duck Dodgers grinned to himself.

"And they said I couldn't do paperwork," Dodgers scoffed, crumpling up another sheet of paper, which bore a red _TOP SECRET_ at it's header, and preparing to toss it along with it's brethren.

_Beep beep beep beep beep!_ Announced the view screen, the words _INCOMING MESSAGE FROM HQ_ scrolling over the screen. Dodgers groaned.

"Oh, great… Well, let's see now… Answer button, answer button…" The duck muttered to himself, rummaging about the bridge. Walking into the command area, the Eager Young Space Cadet looked at his captain in confusion.

"Um, sir? W-w-what are you looking for?" Dodgers was rummaging about underneath a console, running his hands back and forth.

"Hm… Apple core, soda can, ship's manifest, _Sentient Lifeforms Fashion Weekly…_ Hey Cadet, where's the control for the comm channel?" The Cadet blinked, then sighed deeply, before walking over to and pulling a remote control out of the back pocket of the captain's jumpsuit. Dodgers turned, and grinned.

"Ah ha! Where was it?" The Cadet rolled his eyes, before pointing the remote at the screen and pressing a button marked "Answer". The screen flicked on.

"Dodgers! Dodgers?" I.Q. High, Dodger's superior, looked about the _Drake's_ bridge quizzically.

"Right here, I.Q., what can I do you for?" Dodgers asked, walking over and sitting in his chair. The Cadet took his seat at the control console nearby, as I.Q. cleared his throat.

"Ah, good. Dodgers, we want you to head over to Sector 359. Maddox Station sent out a distress call over five hours ago, but we've gotten nothing when we tried responding. The _Starship_ _Jones _will rendezvous with you at the station in one hour."

"Roger that, I.Q.! Let's get going, Cadet," Dodgers commanded, moving his finger to the remote.

"One more thing, Dodgers: Maddox Station is the site of a top secret Protectorate project. So don't ask any more questions than you have to." Dodgers shrugged.

"Not a problem, chief. Dodgers out." _Blink!_ The channel shut off, as the _Drake _came about, and jumped into warp speed…

* * *

**36.8 LTYR AWAY**"I regret to inform you, sir, that the _Utopia_ was destroyed in it's attempt to capture the _Seraphim,_" the Martian sentry robot reported, bowing. The Martian Commander sat back in his command chair aboard the _Olympus Mons_, flagship of the Martian fleet. His eyes narrowed, a gloved finer tapping the side of his Roman-esque helmet. 

"By Protectorate forces?"

"No, sir - By the _Seraphim_. According to the sensor logs we received, with one shot."

"Really? Hm…" The Martian Commander's eyes narrowed.

"This only confirms our suspicions - The _Seraphim_ must be captured, at any cost! It will allow us to, at last, defeat the Galactic Protectorate, and me to at last destroy _Duck Dodgers!"_

"Um… Sir? If I might inquire… How are we to capture such a powerful ship?"

"… Welllll… I'm _working_ on it, Centurion. Really, rushing gets you nowhere…"

* * *

**TO (**Hopefully**) BE CONTINUED…**


	2. Mustard and Drool

**TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib?**

**AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon**

**FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century**

**GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action**

**WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that?**

**RATING: PG to PG-13**

**NOTES: More than likely a one or two shot experiment I'll leave lying around for a year or two… Unless someone wants it?**

* * *

**SECTOR 332 - GALACTIC PROTECTORATE - 59.4 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

"Ergh…" Tobias Malcolm, the youngest recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physics in history, twice voted Most Eligible and Most Shy Bachelor in the Galaxy Proper by _Sentient Magazine_, and one of the top engineers of the last century, slowly awoke, his head pounding like no tomorrow.

"Bwah…" He rubbed his head cautiously, slowly taking in his surroundings. He then blinked awkwardly at the data finally reaching his cerebellum.

"Hello, Tobias. I took the liberty of healing your internal injuries from the attack, but unfortunately, I could not apply an anesthetic without compromising your recovery from the concussion you suffered," Sara said brightly, standing primly in the center of the _Seraphim's_ bridge. It was a circular affair, modeled after a submarine, with a captain's chair in the center of it all. The primary view port was directly forward, with control consoles, monitors, and view screens elegantly arranged within the curve of the chamber.

"Ah… I see… Good… Where are we?" Sara's eyes moved to the side, as though she were trying to recall an obscure item on a shopping list, before her gaze shifted back to her creator.

"Roughly twenty light-years from the remains of the station. I scanned the wreckage for survivors, but I was unable to find any. I felt it was best to leave the area in case additional Martian forces were on their way."

"So… Martians attacked the station?"

"Yes. They were apparently attempting to capture me." Sara tilted her head thoughtfully, an action Tobias himself had programmed into the AI construct, as he thought it was the most darling expression he'd ever seen.

"Well, it's little wonder," Talon noted dryly, the pain of his injuries still there, but faded enough for him to talk without feeling sick as a dog.

"I concur. I have therefore decided to plot a course for Protectorate territory and get out of harm's way."

"Good, good…" Tobias felt a bit drowsy, which he absently thought about as rather odd, considering he'd been unconscious for… how long? He tried shaking his head, but felt dulled and slowed.

"There were no stocks of artificial plasma onboard," Sara said, a sad expression upon her face, as she bent down and placed her hands on top of his. "And you lost a great deal of blood."

"… Great…" Tobias groaned, his head feeling like a helium balloon. He'd never actually noticed it before, but Sara had a dimple in her right cheek.

I didn't make that… Some jerk must have put it in while I wasn't looking…

"Tobias. You are going to have to keep talking to me. You must remain conscious until we reach a Protectorate station," Sara said firmly.

"Why… Didn't you… Tell me… Before?" Tobias murmured.

"I believe you didn't ask. But, in any event, we must keep you talking."

I didn't program that cliché into her… I bet it was that jerk… What was his name… Bookworm? Gah, that spineless little-

"Tobias. Talk. Anything you can think of."

"… Ohhh… You know, my lab assistant, Bookworm?"

"Yes… I do."

"He was a jerk. Kept changing the parameters for your personality matrix, physical form… He said you should be blonde, when I said you should have violet hair."

"Keep going, Tobias. What else?"

"… He kept changing your measurements. I told him, 36 by 34 by 28 is not realistic, and will just make her a…um… Porn star. Yuck… He said it wasn't a problem, and besides, Protectorate captains need something nice to look at… I told him he was being a pervert. He said I was a prude."

"Why didn't you want me to be like that, Tobias?" Sara asked, laying him down on the deck, and propping his feet up with a med kit. Tobias blinked.

"Because I was styling you after my mom… Except for the violet hair… I like violet hair… It's a nice look. And my mom didn't have a huge bust… Well, not until she was older, but she was forty then, and a little overweight, but that was okay." Sara nodded, laying her hand on her creator's chest and monitoring his vital signs.

"All right, Tobias… Keep talking. First things that come to your mind."

"You know what's great? Mustard… I love mustard… Especially on pepperoni, wrapped in spinach leaves…"

"Very good, Tobias. What else do you like about mustard?"

"… It's yellow… And I like yellow…"

* * *

"Great… We rush all the way here, nearly blowing our engines doing so, and they're all dead. Some gratitude, eh Cadet?" It was times like these that the Eager Young Space Cadet couldn't tell whether or not Captain Dodgers was joking. It was also one of these times that he always sincerely hoped that he was.

"Er… Yes, Captain," the Cadet replied, sighing in a melancholy way. He'd run the scans six times, and there were no survivors. Dodgers tapped his bill, narrowing his eyes.

"All right then, Cadet… What can you tell me about the debris?"

"M-m-most of it's from the station… And I'm r-reading the r-remains of a-a Martian atta-atta-atta-er, strike cruiser." Dodgers tiled his head curiously.

"Hm… Did someone get here before us and take them out?"

"Uh, n-no, sir, we'd be p-p-picking up m-more ions from their en-engines."

"So, who toasted the Martian ship?" Dodgers asked, somewhat irritated. The Cadet ran a few more scans.

"It was f-from a 663 mi-mi-millimeter particle cannon, sir, based on the bl-blast radius shown by the debris." Dodgers raised an eyebrow.

"That's… A whole lot bigger than our guns, right?" The Cadet nodded.

"With a proportionate energy source, th-that's fifty times m-more powerful than our ma-ma-main guns, Captain." Dodgers winced at the memory of his using the main guns of the _Drake_ to carve out "DUCK DODGERS RULES!" on the surface of a moon, which left the _Drake_ powerless and disabled. With that much power…

"Say… I could write my name on the surface of that Dyson Sphere we found a few weeks ago," the captain muttered to himself. The Cadet blinked.

"Sir?"

"What? Oh, never mind… Say, this station's for experimental, top secret type… Stuff, correct?"

"Er, I think th-that's what IQ said, sir."

"And there's no evidence to support the idea that someone from outside blew up the Martian ship, right?"

"Yes sir."

"And… Is there anything in the debris of that station that could have blown up that ship?" Pressed Dodgers.

"No sir, there is-isn't…" The EYS Cadet was suddenly struck by a thought.

"S-Sir, are you p-pondering what I'm p-pondering?"

"I think so, Cadet… But could you really turn Jupiter into a star by wishing about it?" The Cadet blinked, before rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"Um, no sir… Wh-what I was _thinking_, was that an experimental starship blew up the Martian ship, from the station."

"Really? Man, I would have never guessed that…" Mused Dodgers, while the Cadet groaned inwardly. The communications signal began blinking on the view screen, and Dodgers (having duct-taped the remote to his chair) tapped it. The visage of a green worm wearing glasses and a tie appeared, while Dodger's eyes grew wide.

"_WAH!_ It's a slimy alien space creature! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!" The Cadet's eyes grew very large indeed, but for a different reason.

"Uh, sir! Captain? That's Professor Bookworm. He's on our side, sir." Dodgers stopped his panicking, before looking up at the screen at the now annoyed-looking worm.

"Er… Sorry about that… Professor," Dodgers soothed. The worm snorted.

"I was expecting to have to deal with the likes of _you_, Captain Dodgers. Military personnel, feeling they're _so_ above the rest of us hard-working, decent lifeforms," the professor groused. "Captain Lancer, of the _Jones_, seems to be very much the same way, only taking on my precious Fifi when she was ordered to."

In the background of the camera, on what was presumably the bridge of the _Jones_, a number of exhausted-looking crewmembers were apparently trying to reign in a huge, white, snarling beast. It was only under further examination that Dodgers figured out that the creature was a dog.

"Er… Yeah, I see, Professor-"

"That's _sir,_ to you, _Captain_ Dodgers," Bookworm ordered. An image popped up upon the screen, that of a large, long, sleek starship. The most beautiful thing that either had seen in their lives. Dodger's jaw dropped to the floor at the sight, along with the Cadet's.

"This is the _Starship Seraphim_, an experimental, all-purpose space cruiser under construction at this very yard," Bookworm said, as statistics ran on the screen underneath the visual. "It has been stolen, and it is _our_ mission to recover it. As one of the individuals who worked upon it, I am best suited to track it down. Now, the _Seraphim has…_"

Prof. Bookworm's speech went on in the background, as the Captain and the Cadet read the details of the marvelous ship before them hungrily.

_A fully graviton-based intertial-less drive system for normal space, wow,_ thought the Cadet.

_A full lounge with 360 degree holographic entertainment system, sa-weet,_ drooled Dodgers.

Quantum-war headed missile turrets…

Professional robotic cooking staff…

Transpectral sensor arrays…

A Jacuzzi for the officers…

"GENTLEMEN!" Both Dodgers and the Cadet were roused from their admiration with a jolt. Bookworm looked upon the two with disdain.

"_Excuse me_, but I believe we have a ship to locate! Now, it is obvious that it has been hijacked. We are to find and destroy (if necessary), the _Seraphim_. The _Jones_ and the _Drake_, together, will probably not have enough firepower to deal with such a powerful ship in a straight-away battle."

"So, er… if we can't defeat it… Why are we going after it?" Dodgers inquired.

"Because, hopefully, we can reason with the hijackers. I have with me, seven hundred and fifty million space dollars. It should be enough to lure the hijackers into a false sense of security. Then, when the _Seraphim_ drops it's shields, we destroy her!"

"Um.. Doesn't that, you know… Kind of go against the whole 'recover' part of your plan?" Bookworm puffed up to his full four-inch height.

"It is for me to decide whether or not the ship is to be destroyed or _not_, not _yours_. Now, just-HEY! WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DO-?!" The transmission was abruptly cut off. Both Captain and Cadet looked at each other, then out the view port.

The _Jones_ was a _Barbara-_class heavy cruiser, one of the biggest, most powerful vessels in the Protectorate fleet.It was the space-borne equivalent of an F-15: The biggest, the best, and the most prestigious in it's class.

It was currently tilting drunkenly on it's axis, it's stabilizing thruster systems flaring violently, in order to correct the ship's radically fluctuating pitch. The Cadet and Dodgers looked at each other once again, before sharing a simultaneous sigh.

"Cadet, why don't we try to track the _Seraphim_, while the _Jones _is… Ya know… Busy?"

"Sir? You want to take the initiative on a mission?"

"You want to listen to that worm for a second round?"

"Ah-ah, point taken, sir. Scanning…"

* * *

**I guess I lied. About the whole "one-to-two-shot" thing. I'm planning on extending this story out to five chapters, out of sheer boredom. Enjoy!**


	3. First Impressions

**TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib? **

**AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon**

**FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century**

**GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action**

**WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that?**

**RATING: PG to PG-13**

**NOTES: Thank you, A. Penelope Quill. With your encouragement, I've got the inspiration I need to keep going! So, this chapter is dedicated to you.**

* * *

**SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

"C-C-Captain? I believe I-I've f-f-f-aw, located the _Seraphim,_" The Cadet reported, after a grueling sixteen hour search in more than 4,000 square lightyears from the remains of Maddox Station. Captain Dodgers was on his tenth pot of coffee, and looked none the worse for wear... Aside from his hideously blood-shot eyes.

"Well... How can you tell, Cadet?!" Dodgers said irritably. "How can you _tell_ that it's _actually_ the _Seraphim,_ and _not_ another _piece_ of SPACE TRASH?!"

"I-I-It's not _my_ fault th-that the _Seraphim's_ st-stealth sys-sys-sys-bah, technology is s-superior to our sensors," the Cadet replied, also somewhat short on nerves. Dodgers threw up his hands, scowling.

"Then, _how do you know it's the _SERAPHIM?!" He roared. The Cadet pointed out of the viewport. Dodgers followed the Cadet's finger, and blinked.

"... Oh." The _Seraphim,_ two-hundred and ninety meters worth of smooth, porcelain-colored ploy-ceramic hull plating, was slowly moving off their port bow, her engines producing only the faintest amount of light.

"So, any response to our hails?"

"N-None, Captain," the Cadet reported. "They're r-running s-silent."

"Well, let's take the shuttlepod over and see if we can get aboard," Dodgers replied. The Cadet blinked.

"B-But sir? What if the-they've got a whole crew of p-p-p-ah, scalawags aboard?"

"Then we'll have to... Burn that bridge when we come to it, Cadet! C'mon, stop asking questions, let's just go! And besides, if they were manned by pirates and hijackers and what-not, wouldn't they have fired on us by now?" With that, Dodgers turned, and headed off the bridge, the Cadet staring after him.

"... Did he just m-make a good point?"

* * *

"Ah! The _Drake _has arrived," Sara said excitedly to Tobias, still dazed from the blood loss. "Finally, we will get you needed medical assistance!"

"... Sooooo... Why didn't they haaaaiiillll..."

"Our communications systems appear to have been damaged, Tobias," Sara replied, walking over to the turbolift doors at the end of the ship. "However, since they're sending over a shuttle, I imagine they understand that we mean them no harm.

"Caaareful," Tobias slurred, his eyes roving the bulkhead above.

"Do not worry, Tobias. I am an android-You yourself made it very difficult to destroy me," Sara replied helpfully.

"Oh... Yeeeeeeaaaahhhhh," Tobias replied, sounding overly-enamored with the word.

"Ah... The shuttle has docked," Sara reported a moment later. She turned and smiled at him. "I will return shortly. Keep talking through your comm link, Tobias. Understand?"

"Rrriiiiiigggghhhhttt..."

* * *

"Wow... Just look at these halls! All of them, carpeted! Whew, that's incredible," Dodgers whistled, letting his laser pistol lead the way, as he and the EYS Cadet moved through the brightly-lit corridors of the _Seraphim_. The Cadet blinked around, confused.

"Odd... Sh-Shouldn't someone have noticed th-th-that we've docked?"

"Heh, state-of-the-art security, really," Dodgers harrumphed, pointing his laser around a corner. "Don't make me laugh."

"Actually, I've been aware of your presence since your ship arrived... Captain Dodgers." In a start, Dodgers spun around and began to wildly fire his laser pistol in the direction of the noise. The EYS Cadet, equally surprised, ducked and found some cover. Dodgers continued firing and screaming, before his gun shut off in his hands.

"... What the...?" Dodgers hit the side of his laser gun with a fist, growling in frustration. "Stupid piece of junk..."

"I'm sorry, but I had to shut down your pistol," continued a calm, musical voice, out of the smoking ruin Dodger's gun had exacted upon the bulkhead of the _Seraphim._ "You apparently... Misfired it," the voice finished dryly. Dodgers looked up from his gun, about to have a harsh word with whomever-it-was-who'd-shut-down-his-gun...

"... Gah..." His jaw fell to the deck. His eyes popped wide open. And the feathers on the top of his head rose just a hair.

Standing before him, slim yet tall and curved, with large, concerned green eyes and dark violet, artfully-arranged hair, was... Well... A goddess. The Cadet also stared at this vision of beauty, unable to put together a coherent thought.

"In any event, my creator requires immediate medical attention, and I am afraid that I am running at only 50 efficiency due to a computer chip mix-up..."

Dodgers couldn't move, or talk... All he could focus on was this angel before him, soooo beautiful...

"Yeah... Oh my... Brrrrrr!" Shaking his head free of his stupor, Dodgers gave himself a mental pep-talk. _Snap out of it, you fool! The most gorgeous woman in the Universe is talking to you! Time to turn on the old charm and start wooing her with my tales of daring, interstellar exploits!_

"I, am DUCK DODGERS! IN THE 24th AND A HALF _CENTURY!"_ Dodgers crowed, fairly glowing in his declaration... Just before he lost his balance and crashed into the bulkhead.

"..." Was the response of both the Cadet and the mysterious woman in the Earth Protectorate Fleet uniform.

"... Ah, yes... I'm quite aware of your... Identity, Captain Dodgers... And the current date..." The woman blinked quizzically, before turning to the EYS Cadet.

"I am called Sara... As I said, my creator is in need of immediate medical attention, so if you have any stocks of all-species artificial plasma aboard the _Drake_, he sorely needs it-"

"Wait, wait, wait," interrupted Dodgers, rising from the deck, and shaking out his aches. "Your... _creator?_"

"Why, yes. I am a Malcom-Series Artificial Intelligence Shipboard Avatar, charged with regulating the day-to-day activities of the _Seraphim_ and acting as liaison between starship and crew. My creator, Tobias Malcom, as I said before, is in need of medical attention immediately, and-"

"Soooo... If I wanted, could your creator... Ya know... Build another one of you?" Dodgers asked, putting on an air of nonchalance. The Cadet palm-faced, before standing up and clearing his throat.

"Er... Forgive, Captain Dodgers, Sara... We'd be happy to get the plasma, immediately, so-"

"So, c'mon... Can he? Can he?" Dodgers pressed, smiling charmingly at Sara, who blinked.

"... You'd have to ask him, and as he's in need of immediate-"

"You heard the sexpot-Er, lady, Cadet! Let's get that plasma!" Cried Dodgers, running down the corridor. He had disappeared around the end, before, a few minutes later, he came sprinting back, heading down the other corridor.

"The shuttle's _this_ way!" He shouted back. The Cadet sighed.

"Why?"

"... Your captain is most... Unusual." Sara said tactfully.

"That's one way to put it..."

* * *

**TO (**Hopefully**) BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Technical Difficulties

TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib?

AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon

FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century

GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action

WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that?

RATING: PG to PG-13

NOTES: Thank you, A. Penelope Quill. With your encouragement, I've got the inspiration I need to keep going!

* * *

**SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

"Guhhhh..." Doctor Tobias Malcom was rightly called a genius. It was he who had revolutionized starship construction with the introduction of molecular-bonding modules, that allowed every Protectorate vessel to be repaired of anything less than a cataclysmic core breach with ease. It was he who had created the artificial-neuron computers that would become the mainstays of the Protectorate information super highway for the next thousand years. And, it was he who had developed the first androids (the Malcom series) to be adopted for use by the military.

But right now, all he was was a man with a headache.

"It's okay now, D-Doctor Malcom," soothed a kind voice above him.

"Your vital signs have returned to normal... However, the plasma infusion will take time to completely take effect," another voice he recognized as Sara's said above him. Groggily, he opened his eyes.

The sleek, circular bridge of the _Seraphim_ greeted his eyes, as did Sara's smiling face and... A pig in a Protectorate uniform. Tobias blinked.

"Where... Are we?" Sara smiled.

"Roughly 43.9004 lightyears from Earth. I believe that, once my computer core processor is replaced with our spare, we will be able to head there."

"As it stands, the _S-S-Seraphim's_ FTL drives are o-o-o, ah, disabled, Doctor," the pig continued. "W-W-We don't have the n-n-needed c-computer codes to run them." Malcom groaned in response, before trying to sit up. Sara, gently but firmly, pushed him back down.

"Now now, Tobias... You are still not yet fully recovered. Please rest."

"I would, if I'd made the deck of the bridge more comfortable," Tobias grimaced.

"I'd, er, j-j-just like to say, D-Doctor Malcom, that I'm a huge f-f-fuh, ah, admirer of yours. Y-Y-You're one of my childhood h-heroes!" Malcom blinked at the pig.

"... I'm only 28... I'm not _that_ old, am I?..." The EYS Cadet smiled, embarrassed.

"Uh, er, I mean, you're one of my _heroes_, s-sir..." Malcom managed a nod, his headache still tormenting him.

"That's... Good... So... What ship are you from, if I might ask, cadet?" The EYS Cadet saluted with a small smile.

"The _Drake,_ sir..." Malcom's eyes shot wide open, as he leapt up to his feet.

"WHAT?! You mean that-Guh!" Tobias fell down, the dizziness of getting up too quickly easily overcoming his brief momentum. Sara caught him, and set him down gently.

"Now Tobias..."

"That deranged, egomaniacal duck is on _my ship?!_ Who _KNOWS_ what he's doing to my baby now?!"

"Well, Tobias, all he really asked for was that you consider making another me for him," Sara said, looking frankly amused (and disgusted) at that notion.

"NEVER! Never in a million years! That pervert can make his OWN sex toy!" At that moment, Dodgers emerged on the bridge, holding up a complex piece of machinery.

"Hey Doc... This thing kind of... Fell apart when I was checking the engines... Know what it does?" Malcom, the EYS Cadet, and Sara all stared at him in mounting horror.

"... What?

* * *

"Commander! We have gotten a lock on the _Seraphim!_" Reported a Centurion to the Martian Commander. The small alien gleefully rubbed his hands together. 

"Excellent! Inform the fleet that we are to capture it, as a prize for _Mars!_ Onward!" With that, the Martian armada - Six heavy cruisers and a swarm of fighters - moved as one, heading for the Protectorate vessel with weapons drawn and powered.

* * *

Uh oh... This doesn't bode well...

R&R!


	5. Literary Climax

**TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib? **

**AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon **

**FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century **

**GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action **

**WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that? **

**RATING: PG to PG-13 **

**NOTES: Been a while, huh guys? Well, hopefully I can mark this as another fic successfully concluded. **

**SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

"You _fool!_ Do you _realize_ what that _is?!"_ Captain Dodgers winced at the doctor's bellowing.

"Look, it was broken when I found it! It was in the auxiliary control room! I didn't know what it was, so I brought it to you! You can fix it, right?" Dr. Malcolm groaned, rubbing his forehead. The Space Cadet was currently at one of the _Seraphim's_ control consoles, while Sara was standing at attention near the command chair, eyes closed.

"A large Martian fleet is converging on our position," the android reported. "They will enter firing range in ten minutes." Malcolm looked at Dodgers.

"Can you get back to your ship in time?" Dodgers looked over at the Cadet, who shook his head.

"N-N-Not at these ranges, s-sir," the pig replied. Malcolm cursed.

"Then we're screwed!"

"Let me guess, it has something to do with this doohickey, right?" Dodgers deadpanned.

"_Yes,"_ Malcolm seethed. "That _doohickey_ controls the _weapons systems._ And it'll take an _hour_ to put it back together into some kind of functional order!"

"Well, we don't have an hour now do we, Doctor?" Dodgers responded sarcastically. Dodgers hopped into the command chair and assumed a serious expression.

"Cadet, give me a run down on those Martian ships-What are we up against?"

"Uh, s-s-six _Carapace_-class h-heavy cruisers, and four d-d-d-ah, forty-eight fighters." Dodgers whistled.

"Swell… The _Drake's_ condition?"

"The _Drake_ has apparently expended the majority of it's ordinance," Sara supplied. "Were you recently engaged in a large-scale firefight?" Dodgers rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Er, no, no… We just haven't, you know, um… Put in for resupply, eh heh…" The bridge grew dark, as a familiar voice broke over the speakers.

"_Captain Dodgers… This is the Commander. You will surrender immediately, or be destroyed! You cannot escape-Our worm made sure of it,"_ the alien chuckled darkly.

"Bookworm! I _knew_ it! How could the Martians have found the station otherwise?" Malcolm growled. Dodgers snapped his fingers.

"Cadet, open a channel to the Martians." The Cadet did as requested, and Dodgers cleared his throat.

"This is Captain Dodgers. Broomhead, you got all your info from that little green guy?"

"_Of course. Your Protectorate scientists always had bigger egos than brains,"_ the commander replied, an obvious smirk in his voice.

"Shut the hell up you bouncy-ball wannabe!" Malcolm snarled. There was a pause.

"… _Is that… Dr. Tobias Malcolm?"_ The crew of the _Seraphim_ collectively blinked.

"Er…" The scientist began, before Dodgers beat him to the punch.

"Yep! It's Dr. Malcolm allright. What's it to you, Broomhead?" The Martian's voice warbled over the radio.

"_Why, he is famous in the Empire! Your book signing tour was of great significance!"_ Dodgers frowned, as Malcolm began to sweat slightly.

"What kind of book signing was that?"

"_Why, for the latest chapter in _'I, Lovebot'!_ The greatest romance series ever written!"_ Dodgers twisted around in the command chair, to a now blushing Dr. Malcolm. Sara and the Cadet also stared at him.

"Er… Um… Well… Uh…"

"You write romance novels," Dodgers stated, deadpan.

"_Not just romance novels! Works of art, exploring the depths and facets of the relationships between organic and non-organic lifeforms! Er, in a tasteful way, mind you… Though I must ask you, Dr., about the scene in your last volume, the tentacles-" _

"I was testing my new designs for robotic arms!" Malcolm squawked in defense. The Cadet and Dodgers shared a look, and shuddered.

_The same arms that brought the pod in…?_

"AUGH! MY BRAIN! IT'S MELTING!" Dodgers screamed, holding the sides of his head. Sara held a hand over his cranium, scanning.

"No, it does not seem to be," Sara expressed. She gave Malcolm a look.

"Tobias, if I may ask…"

"Maybe later, Sara… _Much_ later… Assuming we survive this," Malcolm replied evenly. Dodgers looked at Sara, then back at the Cadet triumphantly.

"'Make my own sex toy', huh?" The duck sneered. "Yeah, sure Doc… Still… Hey, Broomhead! Did you get a copy of your book signed?"

"_Sadly, no… But, since the good Love Doctor is here…"_ Dodgers smirked.

"I'll let you have that autograph… _If_ you let our ships go." There was sputtering on the other end of the channel.

"_Wh-Wh-What?! Are you mad? I can't do that! The Empress specifically ordered me to capture that ship! She wouldn't allow me back empty-handed!"_ Dodgers grinned.

"Ah, but isn't she also a fan of Dr. Malcolm?"

"_Yes, but she got a signed copy already."_ The duck's grin grew a little wider as he gave Malcolm a look. The young human paled.

"Oh no! Uh uh! No way!"

"Tobias, are you really so selfish as to let the Protectorate's secrets fall into Martian hands in order to keep your dignity?" Sara asked, sadly. Malcolm raised up a hand… And sighed.

"Fine… I guess we don't have much choice…" Tobias strode over to Sara, embraced her, and dipped her for a deep, passionate kiss. Dodgers and the Cadet gawked.

"W-W-Wow… He r-r-_really_ loves h-his work," the pig commented. Dodgers nodded numbly, and waited.

"…_Hello? _Seraphim?_ Do you read? It's been three minutes, are you there?"_ At last, Malcolm came up for air, grinning almost stupidly.

"Sorry… Had to do that… Um, anyway, Dodgers… I'm entrusting my girls to you. Take care of them till I get back, all right?" Dodgers nodded solemnly, though his eye had a glint Malcolm didn't like. Sara rose back up, also smiling.

"I'll wait for you," the android whispered, before dipping her creator for another kiss. The Cadet made a face.

"_D-D-Doctor,_ she's like y-your _daughter!"_

"Guh, talk about your Oedipus complexes," Dodgers commented. The cadet frowned.

"Er, n-no sir, that's an E-E-Electra complex." Dodger snorted.

"Oedipus, Electra, it all involves a Greek tragedy and-Oh for the love of, would you two _get a room?!"_

**SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM**

"_Well Dodgers, looks like you did it again,"_ IQ observed over the communications link. "_The _Seraphim_ is secure, and Dr. Bookworm is in custody."_ Dodgers nodded, leaning back in the _Seraphim's_ control chair.

"The Martians'll have the doc back in a month or two, depending on how long his new series, 'Love of a Martian', takes to come out," the duck observed. IQ smirked.

"_Something's been bothering me, Dodgers. This mission you were on the ball more than in previous ones. Why was that?"_ Dodgers shrugged.

"Well sir, when you've got a pretty robot ship lady to fight for, you tend to focus more." IQ nodded.

"_Shame you lost the _Drake_ during this mission, however."_ Dodgers nodded back solemnly.

"Shame… She was a good ship. So, the _Seraphim…_ Can I keep her?" IQ chuckled.

"_For the moment, Dodgers, she's all yours. IQ out."_ With that, the channel closed, as the EYS Cadet stared at Dodgers from his console.

"Uh, C-Captain Dodgers?"

"Yes, Cadet?"

"The _D-Drake_ isn't d-d-d-aw, in pieces sir." Dodgers smirked, and turned to Sara standing next to the command chair.

"Dollface, if you please…?" Sara shrugged, as the _Seraphim's_ main battery fired. The _Drake_ exploded from a single salvo, scattered into space debris. The captain grinned.

"Now it is…"

"S-So this is w-why you had me do in-in-in, aw, menial labor," the Cadet sighed. Dodgers held up his hands.

"Hey! I got all your stuff too! And besides," Dodgers sighed happily, "you can't beat this ship for comfort." The Cadet frowned… Before shrugging and shaking his head.

"You're a bad i-i-influence, Captain Dodgers. Th-Th-That made _sense_ to me."

"Eh, what can I say Cadet, I have that effect on people. Sara! Take us to the nearest testing range! I want to blow _more_ stuff up!"

Sara shrugged, looking at some unseen audience.

"Eh, it's a living."

_Th-Th-That's All, Folks! _

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Well, what can I say. I wanted a twisted ending that was like the series. Hope it wasn't too disappointing. R&R! **


End file.
